Crashed America - Dark Comedy - Novel

McCarrick Christmas Special

ET and Waco did mount up the sled
shaking off cold and giving out dread
in neon red camo they went out to ride
with drinks in their hands and guns at their sides

‘Farewell’ cried the kiddies, their Ma and the rest
‘don’t come back deaded, our pride and our best’
‘Don’t you go wailin’ came the reply
‘McCarricks might go down, but seldom do die,
it’s for all the bad guys that you ought to cry’

And so with a wave and a loving last kiss
the dynamic duo set off into the mist
through copses and and side roads they rode out of sight
out of the holler and into the night
led on by wolves and a misplaced beagle
not quite noble steeds
but burly and evil

‘Where do we go, oh brother of mine
and when we get there,
what might we find?’
‘to fetch Uncle Rango,
if he ain’t yet dead
and a shit load of bad guys
who should learn to dread’

And so they did fly
away from the bustle
of McCarrick land
and Hetsaw’s small hustle
off to the city
where the Fed’s did array
doing their business
the most corrupt way
and on their arrival
in dawn’s early light
locals did marvel
at the rural delight
of two grizzled outlaws
on one creaky sled
led by a dozen strong wolves
and a beagle, near dead

‘What business is here
for strangers like you’
said a bored local lawman
with little to do
‘If parking that wreck
is your sneaking intention
you’ll get a ticket,
I feel I should mention’
to such light weighted threats there was no reaction
though Waco did think to leave him in traction
but ET stepped in with a dark vulpine smile
which sent the bored officer running for miles

‘Now city folk all, come hear our words,
we ain’t out for trouble,
though that may have been heard
In this festive season,
all that we want
is our dear Uncle Rango
and some Christmas eggnog’

Bemused by the strangers
and startled by wolves
the locals did back off
dashing like fools
which left Waco and ET
on government land
to reach for their pistols
and prepare their first stand

‘Bring out our Uncle
and no one gets shot
do it too slowly
and we’ll shoot a lot’

Moments did pass,
quiet and tense
as the urban folk wondered
what would come next
but their questions were answered
shortly thereafter
when three pitch black HumVees
came rolling like thunder

And from there there spewed out
a swarm of black suits
men in dark glasses
and highly trained youths

The McCarricks did snigger
at all the furor
for all of this drama
they had seen before
and when a tall stranger stepped up to them
chewing on gum and leading his men
it was all they could do
not to laugh in his face
for the vodka they’d finished
hadn’t been their first taste

‘Get out of town, you out-country bumpkins,
your Uncle ain’t comin’, he’s stuck in our dungeons,
there to answer for crimes he has done
to man, God and country
his hanging’ll come
And as it stands you’re walkin’ in our yard
and if you’ve only those pistols
you’ll find it mighty hard.’

Waco did giggle and ET did frown,
they both now knew the CIA were in town
A terrible sight as Christmas approaches
Black-Ops trained Seals
on vicious, cruel motives
but seldom is a seen a McCarrick in flight
especially when there’s the chance of a fight

Plus the boys Uncle Rango,
a terror for sure,
was only just guilty
and others were more
so here they would stand,
and here they would fight
against all these comers
and all Federal might

‘We know where he is’ ET intoned
‘down in the basement of your Black-Ops home
and deep in my satchel I’ve brought you a treat
a big block of Cemtex
wrapped nice and neat
but if you insist on your foolish denial,
I’ll shoot you right here and we’ll square off a while’

No idle meant threats
or hollow bravado
as ET shot first
his brow barely furrowed

The Agent went down
red in the face
as blood sprang up quickly
all over the place
‘Well now I see’ Waco did marvel
dodging debris
from the would be Marshall

Bullets went flying,
soldiers did fall
the Agencies finest
come to the call
but all unprepared
for McCarrick invasion
and all not yet trained
for Waco’s frustration
and so it became
and so it went on
Montgomery town
became a gory throng
as all through the streets
with rifles still blaring
grenades going off
and wolves all a’tearing
the brothers did fight
the forces of order
all for their Uncle
who’d not made the border

After a while things got all quiet
a bunker was reached
the baddies gone silent

‘Is he down there
brother of mine?’
‘I reckon so Waco,
I’ll go plant this mine,
just a bit of C4
a trace of the Nitro
we’ll soon be in
and home by tonight-o’

Waco did shrug,
for his brother had rhymed
but it being Christmas
he didn’t mind
but ducking quite quickly
explosions to dodge
he saw half the building
tumble and drop
a terrible sight
for those who had built it
to see their dark tower
broken and stilted

To their surprise
and strange felt delight, the building seemed empty
nobody in sight
‘Where do you think
our Uncle has gone,
in our attack
do you think we were wrong?’

‘All things can happen’ ET decreed
‘dogs can look up
dinos can breed
but as for the question
of what we’ve done wrong
I have to admit my info was strong’

And in this moment of self-doubting anguish
a friendly voice cried
‘Hey up, an escape bid!’
And Rango walked over
but not from inside
for he’d been in Arby’s
awaiting his ride

‘Oh Uncle, our Uncle,
what have we done
we blew up the Federals,
we’re off on the run!’

‘Never mind
nephews of mine,
head back to Hetsaw
where you’re hard to find,
it doesn’t matter that I just made bail
and walked my way from that terrible jail
because I’m not the first
nor am I the last
to find himself trapped on that terrible path
and with your explosion you’ve done them a favour
you should be pleased with your mighty labour
and the CIA, should they remember,
have learnt a lesson
this humid December
Never take a McCarrick in walking
because if we’re not down
there’s just no use talking.

For more from Waco, ET, the rest of the McCarrick clan and plenty of others check out my novel Crashed America – available in paperback and digital formats. It’s the ideal Christmas present for adults of all ages, children of some ages and also the undead. Even better, buy it for someone who’ll hate it and you can be sure to get it back next Christmas so you’ve got your own copy!

Happy Christmas (in advance), one and all.

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