Crashed America – Free on Kindle from February 2nd – 6th

Crashed America by Dylan Malik Orchard Novel

Nuns With Guns


To mark the slow collapse of Western civilisation into the orange hued abyss of yuuuge egotism and the possibility nuclear war with the nefarious Chinese, I’ve put my novel Crashed America up for a free giveaway from the 2nd to the 6th of February. After all, there are far worse ways to while away those last ticking seconds on the apocalypse clock than curling up in your bunker with a good book and your emergency rations. Like paying attention to reality for example, or stabbing yourself in the eye with a rusty Stanley knife.

It’s available here on Amazon, but don’t worry if you don’t have one of their readers, there are Kindle apps/plugins for all smartphones, tablets and even one for Google Chrome, so you can always find a way to read it. Unless of course you have none of/hate all of those things (and why wouldn’t you?) in which case go and buy the paperback edition so you can lord it up in front of those backwards technophiles with their glaring screens and soulless circuits.

Feel free to spread the word by sharing the link far and wide, the more the merrier and, as always, reviews and support are very welcome, plus it’s good karma to support your local Indie author. The only way word gets out is if you spread it.

When Joe sets off for those United States of America he has a whole list of plans, dreams, schemes and delusions to be lived out against an idealised Americana backdrop. Killing Jesus isn’t exactly among them but, as ever, life does its own thing.

After crashing in Alabama Joe finds himself caught up in the prelude to the End of Days, with the Devil on one side, a Hillbilly clan on the other and the whole spectrum of crazy in between – from a Satanic Reagan to good old boys Waco and ET. None of which makes any sense to him, or his new found companion the born again atheist Father Fitzpatrick but with enough moonshine, guns, nuns, demons and backwoods mysticism he might just make it through. Although the rest of the world might not.

Crashed America is a darkly comic novel tinged with absurdity, surrealism and the excessive consumption of alcohol, black magic and insanity.

As always you can find more of my writing on this site, including a couple of short stories listed below featuring characters from Crashed America and, if you want to be kept up to date with new stuff, be sure to sign up to my newsletter, follow this blog or follow me on social media.

Make Hetsaw Great Again
McCarrick Christmas Special
The Ballad of Moscow Pete



Space FM is GO!

On one of the days of Christmas my true love sent to me a reasonably priced eBook short on Amazon… let’s just pretend that scans.

Space FM is officially available for download as an Amazon exclusive. Cheaper than a poncy cup of coffee, more enjoyable than a family bag of Skittles and with more hard facts than a copy of the Daily Mail it’s everything you want and more. Plus you can read it in a day, so for all of you online types whose attention span has been beaten into bloody submission by a flailing mass of cat pictures, memes and comedic Tweets this is some proper writing you really can make it through.

As ever I need you, you glorious; beautiful, sweet smelling, perfectly coiffured, intelligent and goddamn sexy bastards to help me out by spreading the good word, writing (nice) reviews on all the usual sites. Buying copies for your nearest and dearest and generally being all that you can be. And when you’ve done all of that you can look to your left and sign up to my newsletter too, so you never miss out on the words I so lovingly craft for the sole purpose of pumping them into your eyeballs and filling your brains with joy.

There’s more coming from me next year too with some very different works in progress. Including a potential poetic anthology, a full length novel and even the vague possibility of some multimedia collaborative goodness. So stay tuned you glorious bastards.

Laikanist Times

Laikanist Times by Dylan Malik Orchard

And there, on the hill, stood a shoddy figure. Oddly resplendent in the tattered remains of a dog costume they pointed nervously to the sky and let out an almighty roar. Their words echoed across the barren landscape and they were ‘LAIKANIST TIMES, THEY COME!’ And the world did tremble… – First book of Laika.

An acid test, unfortunately without the acid. An experiment with no fixed goal or purpose. A novella released just to see what would happen.

I’ve decided to unleash Laikanist Times, my new novella on Amazon. Crashed America is still on its way but as a precursor I wanted to test the online waters and see how things go. Somehow that’s easier to do with 35,000 words and talking animals than something full length.

To mark the occasion I’ve made it available for free until midnight this Sunday (16th of March) so grab it while you can because after that it’ll be back to the low low low price of £1.53. Which is a bit of an odd number but that’s VAT for you.

The biggest issue with releasing anything, from music to novels to art is getting the word out there. Very bad things can flourish because the people behind them are excellent at marketing and very good things can fail because they’re not so I’ll throw out a universal plea for you to share it, if you like it. Or even if you don’t. Every new reader is a blessing and sends me into raptures of joy – at some point I’ll probably even start talking in tongues if it gets around enough.

I’ll be spamming the hell out of the internet for the next few weeks to try and get the word out so expect to hear a lot more but for now here’s the link – have at it…


Laikanist Times is the story of one planet divided by a few million years and a fistful of species divides. While the Bald Chimps are seeing apparitions and finding God (or possibly Dog) the dogs are indulging in some quantum meddling and the humans? Well, they had their time.

Rex the Bulldog sets out to change the world, for better or worse, Gdunk the Chimp aims for the stars, Yessa aims to be left alone and Raeget and Kaisabosen aim for, well, something probably. All alongside a host of characters including the good, the bad and the ugly with Jinx and the Four-Leggers, the Laikanists, the Whippet Brotherhood and the Great Salmonists each doing their best to ignore what they need to and find what they want. And all the while Laika the Space Dog is doing something, or not, depending on your point of view.

Laikanist Times is a strange and surrealist parable on the wonders and woes of religion, science, belief and talking animals. As the first novella from Dylan Malik Orchard it’s less a declaration of intent and more a declaration of confusion. With the answers to none of your questions and a slew of doubts to introduce. Humour, farce, satire, sloths and Sci-Fi are mixed together in a heady literary brew*.

*’heady literary brew’ may or may not actually mean anything.